Once you have a child your partying days and ways are over, right? I say no, but yes, the rules have changed. Like clothes, boyfriends, handbags, you must update. You must change. For example, back in the day I used to like going to bars, playing pool, getting smashed and sometimes a little too slutty, and normal kid things like sledding after eating a Taco Bell Gordita with shrooms in it. I used to be interested in gin, pink wine and skinny boys with big ears (think ghetto Abe Lincolns), but now I have a baby and I’ve had to abandon my early studies.
My current interests are crosswords, Target, strolling in grocery stores, Ferrari Carano chardonnay and Opus One Cabernet (when someone else is buying). I’m interested in t.v and get my kicks by making fusion gum (this is where I put a piece of fruit-flavored gum in my mouth then about a minute later, a mint-flavored gum).
I also enjoy listening in on conversations then writing about them, or reading emails from my mom’s club and printing them.
An example taken from a summary of emails offering advice to a mom whose “baby was so cute everyone wanted to touch her and she needed ways to politely say no.”
Warning: Because of my slight tweaking, mothers may appear smarter than they actually are.
First mother: “People who touch babies are creepy. Everyone wants to touch Janey, especially when she was nutropenic and had no white cells. Tell them to back off, or to touch her toes if they must.”
Second mother: “It’s because there are no children in this city. They’re like Birkin bags. I’d just avoid crowded public places and neighborhoods like the Mission with high immigrant populations.”
Third mother: “My daughter gets touched all the time. It’s what happens when they’re pretty. I keep antibacterial wipes ready and wipe her hands immediately after contact with anyone.”
Fourth mother: “Try saying, “She bites!”

Yes, it’s a tad mean girl in high school of me, and horrific to playfully ridicule my fellow comrades, but I have to find my fun somewhere.
We’re not twenty-two anymore. How do you party now?