I am starting school tours for junior kindergarten. I’m always surprised by some of the questions parents ask on these tours or why they express any concerns out loud in front of the director. At this point we’re being watched, not our children. We’re the ones applying and they’re assessing if we’ll be good volunteers, if we’re high-maintenance, pushy, illiterate. Do we read to our children? Do we feed them Twinkies for breakfast ’cause it’s got starch and built-in milk? They’re seeing if we’re Black, Asian, Mexican, gay, divorced, rich, poor; if we’ll fund a new glass-blowing studio. I’ve found it’s best to be on either extreme. Your best bet is to be an heir of some sort or to be a gay, single, black artist that has adopted kids. Try to be one of those.
Here are some questions/concerns I heard on my tour that, in my opinion, shouldn’t have been aired:

“They seem so independent. I can’t imagine him functioning that way.”
–Do not air your child’s weaknesses to the director. She is now envisioning a robot-like boy looking around the classroom and just sputtering and smoking and going in circles saying in a scary android voice, “Too much. Too much. Cannot function this way.”

Director: “This is the shop studio where they made their own canoes.” Mother: “Real canoes!”
–No. Four-year-olds did not construct their own 22 foot canoes. They did not work with fiberglass. They did not shape an ama, a hull or install six wooden seats.

“What do you do about the child’s emotions?”
–This mother had grey hair, which was sort of rude, to me. I mean, why can’t she dye it? And I didn’t understand the question, which makes emotions seem tangible, like something you’d put in a cubby. Apparantly the director knew exactly what the old lady meant. She said, “We respect them. We respect all emotions. Even anger. If someone is angry, we’ll say, “Hey, when I’m angry, I like to throw a ball in an area where other children can’t be harmed. I just want to pick up a ball and throw it as far as I can, after first checking my space.”

“Are you a nut-free facility?”
–This was asked by the mom whose son would possibly not function. Obviously it won’t be a nut-free facility if he enrolls.

“What is the schools’ general philosophy?”
–Read the brochure. We’ve been here for an hour and I want to go. The schools are all going to say the same thing. They value the individual. They provide a supportive and enriching environment. They value imagination and a child’s uniqueness. At their school children thrive and grow, (as opposed to rotting and receding at those other schools.)

“What about separation anxiety?”
–I glare at this mother. Enough questions people. I’m a very quick person–quick to shop, make choices, quick to judge. My work day is quick, I read quickly, and talk quickly, using very few words. When things don’t happen quickly I get very anxious and I expect everyone else to sense this somehow, that I’m in a rush to go get something else over with.
The director’s answer: “Some children experience sadness because they miss their parents and so they wear a picture of their mommies and daddies around their necks so when they get sad they can just look down.”
I almost say, “My daughter does that when I’m drinking a forty and watching Grey’s. When I’m not myself I tell her, “Look down!”

My best advice: be yourself, but not too much. Actually, if you regularly read this blog don’t be yourself.
All for now.