It can be difficult for me to leave preschool without Little E having a melt down. Over the past few years I’ve had to create little routines, but they always have to change and get updated like Adobe or Windows. What worked then (sitting down with Little E at breakfast with the other kids and departing after I get my “milk kiss”) doesn’t work now. I started to read her a story before I left and then she’d wave at the gate. It worked at times, but still there were times where she clung to me and cried, howling at the gate and making me feel like the biggest asshole as I left to grab coffee and check Facebook.
But then one day, she seemed to create her own routine, her own solution, which was to have a story, then walk me to the gate, give me a hug and then kiss my butt. Not just a peck, but a full on, long kiss, like how they used to kiss in eighties movies. Lots of head movement, no tongue. Thank God. Cause that would be weird. This transition trick, the butt kiss, was created months ago and it has stuck, and so every day I walk to the gate with her face pushed into my ass.
“Ha ha,” I say and look around nervously. She just looks like she’s hugging me from behind, so I can get away with it most days, but sometimes she’ll yell with crazed glee, “I’m going to kiss you on the butt!” I’ve vowed to make it stop, but it works so well! When she starts to cry, I say. “Come on, you can kiss my butt.” The other day a parent overheard and I wondered if she thought I was a perv or a bitch. What parent tells their child to kiss their ass? I decided we need a new routine. There are so many reasons I should be sent away to child services I really don’t need another.
“We need to think of something else to do in the morning,” I said today on the way to school. “Maybe kiss my cheek or elbow.”
“Or butt!”
“Or my mouth. Why can’t you just kiss me on the lips like the other children.”
“The other kids don’t kiss you on the lips.”
“Well, you should.”
“I should kiss your butt!”
“Or my belly, or my foot.”
“A foot is dirty!”
“So is a butt.”
“But a butt has clothes on it.”
“Oh. Anyway, you shouldn’t do it anymore, okay?”
“But I just want to kiss your butt all the time!”
“I understand. It is something people ought to want to do.”
It was settled then. She made a good argument. She often does and sometimes it makes me really proud. Other times I wish she were one of those dumb kids I see all the time.

Other Posts You May Enjoy:
I Don’t Like Your Kid
Mommy, Are You on Mescaline?
Weekend: Stuffy Fun
How to Get Your Kid into School

That’s all.
Done, I said