I’m thankful for:

1. Smoked ahi spread from R. Field
2. Prozac
3. Gum
4. The little DVD player I bring to restaurants
5. Castle Rock Pinot Noir
6. Hip hop
7. Good books (currently reading Mudbound by Hilary Jordan and it’s fantastic)
8. Dirty Sexy Money, the Hills, and Top Chef
9. Riedel stemless wine glasses
10. The word, ‘balls’

I’m not thankful for:

1. Caillou (if you were tripping acid he’d look like a penis)
2. Sassy little girls’ T-shirts that say things like, “I get an A+ in ‘Attitude’” Yeah, well your mom puts the ass in ’sass’ for dressing you that way.
3. The Puritans
4. Disney princess books and arguing with my daughter about what princesses can and cannot do. Daughter: “I can’t wear jeans! Princesses don’t wear jeans!” Me: “Yes they do! They do it off the page!” What I want to say: “Princesses suck and they’re destined for a life of flower arranging and constant blowjobbing.”
5. These guys (General Motors chief executive Rick Wagoner, Chrysler chief Robert Nardelli and Ford’s Alan Mulally)
6. Sneaky food downsizing
7. My little television
8. My little boobs
9. The geckos on my patio that look like they want to mate with me
10. The word, ‘Genre’
Happy Thanksgiving!